b.l.e.s.s.

2012-03-07T06:02:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

didn't sleep the whole night.

I am tired. talked to oppa just a while ago and it was a mix of feelings. so happy for him! hee.

2012-03-01T21:33:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Finally opened all the ang baos.

$$$

bankrupt me gonna start having a savings plan.

2012-02-26T15:44:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i keep listening to these 3 kpop songs.... stuck in my head even when i work!

blue - big bang

nanrina - block b

lovey dovey - t-ara

2012-02-23T23:30:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

escapism.

2012-02-10T02:05:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

what if one day you find me drop dead on my table. will you cry?

i need someone by my side right now. oddly enough, i didn't cry as much as i thought i would.

leave me a scar, and I will remember for life.

leave my wounds open, and I will remember every moment.

opening and tearing, will only hurt.

2012-01-29T19:26:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

So, I realize its been more than a month since I last blogged.

Why am I back here again? well, I just can't get over you.

2011-12-26T16:42:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

wanna give u a tight tight slap and kick u in the ass and then push your dumb ass head down to the floor.

FU, LOSER!

wake up your idea. those guys only treat you well when you treat them well, laid.

damn those guys who think only for themselves. leave my friends, dude. LEAVEEEEEE. else my ah lian nature will seriously pour water on u and kick your ass.

2011-11-30T12:55:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

in the mood to write a good script... no conversations, just emotions, like music.

2011-11-30T12:23:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
The Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop the pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

- I miss You, Blink 182

2011-11-28T22:44:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

have you ever passed by a place and each time you pass by, you think about the same someone? and then memories start flowing in, be it good or bad. I don't think that feeling is foreign to anyone. and i think acting cool about it isn't actually...well, 'cool'.

他的轻狂留在
ta de qing kuang liu zai
某一节车厢
mou yi jie che xiang
地下铁里的风
di xia tie li de feng
比回忆还重
bi hui yi hai zhong
整座城市一直等著我
zheng zuo cheng shi yi zhi deng zhe wo
有一段感情还在漂泊
you yi duan gan qing hai zai piao bo

对他唯一遗憾
dui ta wei yi yi han
是分手那天
shi fen shou na tian
我奔腾的眼泪
wo ben teng de yan lei
都停不下来
dou ting bu xia lai
若那一刻重来
ruo na yi ke chong lai
我不哭
wo bu ku
让他知道我可以很好
rang ta zhi dao wo ke yi hen hao

我爱他
wo ai ta
轰轰烈烈最疯狂
hong hong lie lie zui feng kuang
我的梦
wo de meng
狠狠碎过却不会忘
hen hen sui guo que bu hui wang
曾为他
ceng wei ta
相信明天就是未来
xiang xin ming tian jiu shi wei lai
情节有多坏
qing jie you duo huai
都不肯醒来
dou bu ken xing lai

我爱他
wo ai ta
跌跌撞撞到绝望
die die zhuang zhuang dao jue wang
我的心
wo de xin
深深伤过却不会忘
shen shen shang guo que bu hui wang
我和他
wo he ta
不再属于这个地方
bu zai shu yu zhe ge di fang
最初的天堂
zui chu de tian tang
最重的荒唐
zui zhong de huang tang

如果还有遗憾又怎么样呢
ru guo hai you yi han you zen me yang ne
伤了痛了懂了就能好了吗
shang le tong le dong le jiu neng hao le ma
曾经依靠彼此的肩膀
ceng jing yi kao bi ci de jian bang
如今各自在人海流浪
ru jin ge zi zai ren hai liu lang

我爱他
wo ai ta
轰轰烈烈最疯狂
hong hong lie lie zui feng kuang
我的梦
wo de meng
狠狠碎过却不会忘
hen hen sui guo que bu hui wang
逃不开
tao bu kai
爱越深越互相伤害
ai yue shen yue hu xiang shang hai
越深的依赖
yue shen de yi lai
越多的空白
yue duo de kong bai
该怎么去爱
gai zen me qu ai

我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂

wo ai ta hong hong lie lie zui feng kuang

我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘

wo de meng hen hen sui guo que bu hui wang

曾为他相信明天就是未来

ceng wei ta xiang xin ming tian jiu shi wei lai

情节有多坏都不肯醒来

qing jie you duo huai dou bu ken xing lai

我爱他跌跌撞撞到绝望

wo ai ta die die zhuang zhuang dao jue wang

我的心深深伤过却不会忘

wo de xin shen shen shang guo que bu hui wang

我和他不再属于这个地方

wo he ta bu zai shu yu zhe ge di fang

最初的天堂最终的荒唐

zui chu de tian tang zui zhong de huang tang

如果还有遗憾
ru guo hai you yi han
是分手那天
shi fen shou na tian
我奔腾的眼泪
wo ben teng de yan lei
都停不下来
dou ting bu xia lai
若那一刻重来
ruo na yi ke chong lai
我不哭
wo bu ku
让他知道我可以很好
rang ta zhi dao wo ke yi hen hao

2011-11-16T14:27:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

boy groups are so common in korea and known as idols but when you see some american boy bands nowadays, they look so..... goofy? haha I don't know if i'm the only one feeling this way

2011-11-03T22:59:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

This is so tiring. Mentally, I am breaking down every second when I hear them talk. Physically, I am so tired I feel that my bones are cracking because I haven't been able to sleep while all this time.

Maybe I've been an idiot all these time. Trying to take things into my own hands when I shouldn't. I think I'm a product of my generation, a product of Singapore's education system. Or because I'm an Aries. Ok, those are excuses, its because I AM that way. Failure wasn't easy to swallow. Thought it was ok. Few years down the road, not so ok. Then, I realize the seriousness. Being a not-so-dumb kid since young, I didn't do way too bad for my studies. at most, I fail, barely. And now, I look back and I think I'm such a disgrace. such a failure, right? as a person, as a child, as a sister.

I never knew.

At this very moment, I can't stop my tears from flowing. I can only blame myself. But, being human, I need comfort. Serious need for comfort. My head hurts so much. Bad headache. but can't be as bad as my heartache. I need a good tight hug. And someone to tell me, "its ok. just move on from here the right way." I don't use fancy words to tell you how I feel. and I don't need you to have fancy words to comfort me. maybe I won't even say a word about it. But just be there for me.

Let this be a blessing in disguise.

I love you.

2011-11-02T18:47:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

we all have black dots in our lives.

you can't erase it for me.

neither can i for you.

but we all have them.

2011-10-31T21:47:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

drama

Am I silly?

2011-10-29T23:09:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

why you don't f*cking understand.

wa lao damn angry.

GO WATCH ON YOUR OWN! ROARRRR

2011-10-15T00:38:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I must have been gone now. I wanted to type a status message for Line. and guess what came to my mind?

"Be Mine"

tell me, how long has it been?

tears stream

down your face

when you lose something

you cannot replace...

tears stream

down your face

and I...

-Coldplay, Fix You

2011-10-09T17:05:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Is it very cruel to say this? I still think you killed me.

sometimes I feel that I went through 2 deaths already.

And if he really starts chasing you and you guys end up getting married, I think I won't go for the wedding. oh wells.

2011-10-09T16:58:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Melted in that 5 seconds.

I could totally use that.

Another memory to be erased please.

2011-10-04T15:01:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I'm not a girl who always go after attached guys. I need to stop myself from giving other people that perception!!!

=(

2011-09-27T21:49:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

striving with all I am.

I am going to work hard and strive in my work, to benefit more people. realized how easy some needs can be met. and yes, I'm talking about prioritized needs here.

I remember hear my colleagues' stories and got to know just how uncertain some things can be. and of cos, I know just how uncertain. Won't elaborate.

When Percy first told me that I won't attract high-end customers or professionals for sure, I was damn upset. But now, I think I'm not made for it yet. And I think I can focus on helping those who seriously need help. Not just those who want to grow more and more $$. Am a bit upset when I hear colleagues who joined just to earn $$. well, honestly, nothing wrong. but, you just don't feel good because you know yes, they have a drive now. but 2 years down the road? 5 years down the road? 10? and when you get sick of all the paperwork, or maybe just this training, will you still think this is the job you want?

I don't know if this is the job I want. we have discussed this many times among ourselves, or within us. But, the more I hear, the more I learn, the more useful all the products seem to be. In fact, some things I read, I think about my friends. and i get even more upset cos i know they don't and won't plan one... some of them just spend everything they earn and live by the day. do i need to remind them to prepare for the future or about the uncertainties? no, they are old enough. they all know. but they still won't do it. because, they haven't seen the need of it. knowing and seeing it has a very different impact, right?

Right now, I am just having fun at the training and trying to put everything together.... but once i'm thrown in the society on my own, i am pretty afraid of getting materialistic like many bankers..

oh well... life is an ultra big word,

2011-09-26T23:17:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i just realized that i did something really amazing, never done before. hit me only now. i applied lotion on my mum's knees and feet. sounds familiar?

it didn't seem at all awkward. just wanted to do it for her. and i did. i didn't feel extremely proud of myself that i did it, neither do i ask myself why i did it. it was more of, "oh, i thought of doing it and i did it."

and i think its a great experience. makes me wonder again why jesus washed the disciples' feet. and his feelings. ok, i'm no longer a christian but u know, it still comes to my mind because its so freaking similar i think. i don't think jesus actually PLANNED to wash their feet... right?

2011-09-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

pretty long ago... but haha just thought of this song..

shrugs. all the contradiction, i know.

i'm falling to pieces........

2011-09-25T21:49:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

stuck in that cycle.
that cycle of wrong people at the wrong timing...

why do you still write like that

truth is, i knew it was mutual

2011-09-20T01:54:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I can be tough, I can be strong
But with you, it's not like that at all
There's a girl that gives a shit
Behind this wall, you just walk through it

And I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running though my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you near, near, near
I wish you were here

I love the way you are
It's who I am, don't have to try hard
We always say, say it like it is
And the truth is that I really miss

All those crazy things you said
You left them running though my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you near, near, near
I wish you were here

No, I don't wanna let go, I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go, let go, oh, oh
No, I don't wanna let go, I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go, let go, let go, let go
Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go Let go, let go, let go

Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you near, near, near
I wish you were here

Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you near, near, near
I wish you were here

2011-09-17T02:17:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i have my stand, you have yours. but you know what, i don't want you to take the same route as i did. because i know its not the best for you. even if i think it was better for me.

when i passed by that building, all the memories started flowing in again... i so can't control over my mind. and i desperately need to.

i am blessed in my very own way, i know. met Sharlene and J loh just now at starbucks. seeing these amazing past leaders make my heart ache so much. and wanqi is in cimb securities too omg. oh wells. the way life treats me. always bringing me back to the start. if i could, i would. but i couldn't, i tried. living for obligations sucks. i can't help but to say again, you killed my passion. dipped it in deep waters, drained, drowned, died. oh, not forgetting, left some remains. that is, if you even want to keep it. for memories' sake.

my heart hurts.
badly.

nope, no more than this one drop of tear.

sometimes, i wish i'm less strict with myself in the principles i hold on to. then, maybe, things would have been easier. and i can hold on to whats mine.

2011-09-08T18:16:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

packed weekend.

clash too. got to reschedule.

saturday:
9am - tuition with shermaine
9am - teach erica's 4 kids chinese! first time! americans! woohoo~ so excited...!!
1.30pm - meet Anthony for lunch (i feel like canceling =x)
evening - family dinner

sunday:
10am - meet eileen for breakfast
2pm - meet nicholas they all for kbox
morning ~ afternoon - help korkor at cereals stall
afternoon - auntie and cousins coming over!
5pm - tuition with kimberly
night - family dinner

i still think something's missing somewhere........... oh man. how to reschedule omg.

2011-09-01T23:27:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

STRESS AHHHH~~~

NO TIME TO CRY, BABE. GO ON!!!

2011-08-31T01:58:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

It's not love

This isn't love

It's just your obsession

Wherever

Whatever I do

It's frightening

The you who watches me

I follow in your shadow

I make a phone call

I become thrilled at the sound of your shaking breath

My heart runs after your increasingly quick steps

I think I'll go crazy

The long night gets darker

Under the dead streetlamp in front of your house

I'm watching you through the crack in your window

Until the night ends

Come on and find me

You keep playing a suffocating game of hide-and-seek with me

You, you, you

You're inseparable from me

*Have you gone crazy?

Why are you like this?

Please just leave me alone now

Seeing you is suffocating

Please disappear from my sight

You can never break away from me

You have no one to love but me

Try to escape

Wherever you are

I can see you

You know deeply

You can never break away from me

You have no one to love but me

Look at me now

I don't wanna cry no more, more

Get lost

Just back off

I really can't breathe

Wherever I go

Wherever I am

It's frightening

The you who follows me

A hundred times

Tens of thousands of times

I've called you

But why, why is there no answer?

Did you forget?

It's already been a thousand days since we met

I prepared a gift you'd like

I sit on the street you frequently travel

I'm waiting for you

I know my love

Don't call it obsession, you don't know love

Don't say I've gone crazy

You don't know my heart

You can never be separated from me

*REPEAT

You know you want me too

You know you love me

Don't run away from me

Cut the crap~

Get a hold of yourself and stop it

Let go of me now

This ain't right

This isn't love

It's just hurts me, don't be like this

I loved you

But I don't now

Erase me from your memory

I don't wanna cry no more, more

if it's heading that way, then let's just stop now. maybe it hurts. maybe it feels horrible. maybe it's not easy. but let's just stop here. if I haven't put a full stop to where I need to, let me know.

2011-08-26T23:18:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

watching the latest I'm a Singer, listening to those songs can make me cry like crazy right now. wondering...how did we become friends. yeah, she feels hurt, but whose really hurt?

right now, honestly, i can't be bothered to think. heart won't change, just tired to think.

2011-08-22T01:41:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

sometimes I feel that my life now is in such a huge mess. other times, I feel that 'ah... peace...', that my life is less 'noisy' and less packed.

reason why I'm saying this is, I'm always considering some options in my life. what can I do, what can I achieve, how do I move on from here, what would be interesting, who will be there etc. interestingly, I thought I have less people to seek proper logical good advice from. but I end up spending more quality time with the few people around me. less "entertaining people" moments. more "i want to hear from you" moments. whatsapp continuously with friends, and my sisters.

right now, I still feel confused over many issues. they are yet to come, but I'm predicting soon. and I feel really unprepared. and, not knowing how to tackle each of the many possibilities. I'm not ignorant, and I suck at feigning ignorant. and I don't want to make past mistakes. oh what should I do... its not even something to be fearful about... I should be happy! in a way, I guess? but I'm not. I'm different whenever it comes to this. oh wells.

drinking cold milo at this time will only make me fat haha.

ok, now I'm pretty determined to work out. I'm gonna workout tml morning when I wake up!! pick up my journal from joel, maybe buy lunch back, eat, study, then go gym with joyce and fyonne in the late afternoon!

ok, honest, I'm not feeling very well inside me.
because of you, I chose to leave, eventually. I'm quite sure it hurts much less than if I'm still around.
=)
full of grace, be blessed.

for someone who cries alot, I'm surprised I didn't leave a drop of tear for u.

2011-08-20T02:41:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i met 2 pervs in 10 mins.

=(

1st one I still quite calm. 2nd one my heart beat like crazy and I slammed the door at him LOL...

Tampines ah Tampines... I thought very safe one?? =(

2011-08-19T12:36:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

my heart was in a hurry to find that email. haven't been using hotmail for a long time, there's this code system to get a new password and all. and it kinda irritated me having to go through that process. once i found and opened that email, read it, thought about it, I asked myself, just what am I doing? trying to find something that was once hidden nicely away? no. the rational me brings me back. being an aries isn't easy. one day, I might just go crazy. living in the in-betweens. my heart brings me to the other end, as always. and yet I'm well trained to pull myself back on the logical track.

and yes, you are right, its all your fault. was and still is. how was i to know. you stole it and walked away. you kept it, thinking you'll not see it, but you brought it out once again. you saw it and pretended like you didn't, until you could stand it no more. you were once a lesson and now a nightmare. i hate coincidences like this. because it started, it can't seem to stop. and then one day we'll just end up saying, "who was i to blame?" oh how irritating is this all. how illogical everything i have typed seems to be. yet nothing but the truth.

its times like this that i feel like throwing and smashing my phones again.
like when i was in CDS....

2011-08-18T10:52:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I just got a MAJOR shock from my phone bill. a total of $130.04!!!

I spent almost $90 worth of phone calls/smses in Taipei! for just 5 nights. O.M.G.

haha damn all the 0.17 mins worth of short phone calls... hahaha

2011-08-16T14:11:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

not pleased with what you've done. you only leave me feeling irritated. i don't understand why you do what you do, seriously. aarrrrrhhh......

"such a coincidence..."

its forever a coincidence. always. always. and i wish it never happened.

if not for the escalator, there won't be seoul garden, and the playground and everything else. boooo....

not a good feeling. but acting as if everything is ok. is what we're all good at. isn't it? all 3 of us.

2011-08-06T03:34:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

meaningful week.

1. made up with shuning
2. catch-up dinner with fyonne, audrey and joyce

wouldn't say its a great week, because there were things that upset me. but still meaningful. awesome to assure myself that life is still great.

i just want you to eat well, eat happily. i don't like to say this, but i don't like your other friends because they teach you all the wrong stuffs! you know that. then don't be influenced! haii. pls just take good care of your health lahhh.. =(

2011-08-04T10:35:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

wa, i'm so angry i can kill someone already. wtf??!!

a little expected but still wth!!!

JERKS!

2011-08-01T00:15:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

yes, I am tired. but what can I do, right?

Maybe I chose the easy way out. then I realized, its way harder than it is. because I can see you no more. There is no one near me, anymore, that I can rely on to give the best advice and ask the questions that I need to answer for myself.

another 1000 days from now, I'll find myself silly once again. to have done the things I've done, and felt the way I felt.

you know, i always have this weird idea in my mind. that guys need to be protected, and girls need to be praised. haha, seems like the exact opposite of the ideals of the world. but its true, guys should genuinely praise girls more, girls should learn to protect the pride of guys more. not that illogical to me.

2011-07-29T16:52:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

今天,

不想笑.

2011-07-29T13:37:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

It is easier for you to appear weak than for me to appear the same. I'm the 大姐姐 and people always say if you're wrong, I should be patient and understand. and then slowly teach you the right stuffs. I'm just quite sick of it. I'm not the same anymore. I also need to be taken care of. I also need to have a shoulder to lean on. I also need the right advice. Not the one who gives all the time. Its not that I don't want to. I will, naturally. But I'm quite sick of being expected of doing it all. Its not about you. Its not about me. Its about what became out of it. and I'm sick of it. that's all.

there are times where I'm wrong too. there are times where I make mistakes too. its no big deal. everyone does, less Jesus Christ. no point making a big fuss over it just because I usually don't make mistakes. big mistakes, small mistakes. they all are mistakes. it shouldn't come as a surprise.

I would love to do more. but I'm restricted. limited. I haven't found someone I can rely on where I can do all I want and trust that that person will bring me back to where I'm supposed to be.

besties? 2.

you? gave it away.

and yeah, I'm scared of you now.

2011-07-29T13:30:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Love, is not as wonderful as we all dream of it to be.

Full of fear, hurts, scars, pain.

The side of me, unseen, untouched.

That side of me, that opens your eyes wide.

I'll never do that again.

2011-07-15T23:47:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I wish there's another 'me' so that keeping things to myself won't be as difficult and bad as it is. man, how i hate tongues that swag like nobody's business. haii....

burn midnight oil liaoooooo....

i remember the times when there's someone to keep me company over the phone while i study...

anyway, my brother-in-law has been trying to ask if i want to get to know his single guy friends. -.-" 9 years older lehhhhh!!! then my colleague also asked... also around that age... aiyo...~ I'm 22, hellooo!

2011-07-15T23:35:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

its been another a cold and tired week. an especially horrible week. =(

failed m9.
fed-up with tuition, at a loss.
post stupid things on my blog that caused such a commotion.
splurged $$
talking over the phone with my cousin about my niece
haven't finish studying HALF of m5!

AIYA!!!

roar. I can almost burst out crying now if not for taipei trip that's keeping me excited.

2011-07-12T01:56:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i was so tired the entire day. and now, i can't sleep.
=(

I really don't like to be told to be kind or be nice or to forgive. look, all my life I've been doing that. you don't have to remind me as if i don't. and now, I'm sick of doing it out of obligation/responsibility/maturity rather than the real heart of doing it. if she talked to me about it, do you think i'll ignore her? no. of cos not. but if she talked to you and not to me, obviously she thinks that she can't find me or i'm not able to help her etc.

do I not know her?

well, maybe. not anymore.

some things, find the right people to do the right things. no matter how much i try, saying the right things whatsoever, if i'm not the right person, there's nothing i can do also! she won't be able to listen to whatever I say. How many freaking times do I need to freaking repeat that we're already not on good terms! don't you ever understand??!

you thinking that we're close doesn't mean we really are close.

one never reply smses, another freaking accused me. whatever la. so tiring. just let go. stop being kids. grow up.

you think depression is funny huh.

all the boost from the good food for dinner gone down the drain.

find your own right warriors, dude.

2011-07-09T01:19:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

The past week has been busy, tiring and all. i had a fun and amazing week. but let's not get into these things. way too much to write. from sentosa to uss to CIMB to managers and bosses to fish steamboat to tuition to supper..........

had a discussion. ok technically, i would usually call it gossiping hahahaha. not really, but we did talk la. oh wells. past events, past feelings, past methods, let it remain as the past and move forward.

been wondering alot of what-ifs, as usual. things that i could have tried harder. perhaps things will be different now. if only....

i do miss alot of those chats be it disagreeing, be it in sync, it was just satisfying irregardless of the result. fruitful for both of us. may not be agreeing on the same things, but at least we saw eye to eye, knowing there is always a second side to things. remember the times when we built up on one another, finding fault in each other's ideas and eventually coming to a much better conclusion. overflowing of ideas, excited together, cried together, blessed together.... my other new female colleague is 30 years old. and 30 years old only remind me of one thing. and i believe its no longer possible.

why am i always restricting myself? i don't dare to want more.

bond by my own limits.

if you understood, you would have seeked me.

because i deserve better, if its mutual.

but then again, who am i to deserve all these?

as much as i would like to say there's no turning back anymore,

i know the possibility is still there.

if u knew, i would.

if u knew, i could have survived

obligations. was there friendship? no.

go ahead and clear things and do all that you're supposed to do.

but i'm not one of your 'homework'

i don't mind u planning. i would appreciate if u really do and am more sensitive.

but i'm not one of your 'homework'

to be cancelled out one by one

because my soul is torn one by one too

to put a conclusion to things

events

feelings

creations

is silly.

do u not agree, its a continued journey?

much more than anyone could fathom.

the end is supposed to be much further

but u were short sighted

so i grew short sighted too

sometimes i really hate it

this is not ur job

not ur homework

not ur errand

if u just want things to be cancelled off your list,

perhaps because u're busy,

then go get drowned and be a workaholic

and satisfy that fetish.

in fact, you should do more than just that.

more than a list for others, see it from another view.

from a build-yourself-up view.

oh man, the more i say, the more i hate u.

for destroying my future.

and took my life away from me.

yes you did.

not scaring anyone

one won't see the seriousness until knowing this.

likely to have changed. will u still love me the way i am?

2011-07-02T00:37:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

me: ya lor

12:13 AM what if they ask u to engineer and create some bomb etc

Stephen: hahaha

me: HAHA

Stephen: den i'll send to tampines

me: ...

wa u remember where i stay ah

Stephen: yup.. bedok 85 there

12:14 AM me: HELLO, bedok 85 not at tampines!

Stephen: ohh..

its not eh..

hahahaha...

not meh

ohhh

die..

wrong person

me: its called BEDOK 85 for some reason right

Stephen: hahahahahahahaahah

me: hahaha

omg fail

Stephen: ya!!

how come eh

me: -.-"

Stephen: i'm amazed at myself

me: lol

hmm... I've got a very interesting friend here. yeo jie hui -.-"

2011-06-18T23:14:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

back from batam trip. =)

to live in 99.9% committed is a whole load worse than living with 100% commitment. I don't think I'm wrong to either have it all or nothing. at least, I gave my all before.

2011-06-13T22:19:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

and so I realized the happiest moment is when i see a child smile. it doesn't even have to be my niece or nephew. in fact, not just a child, but anyone i meet.

the last time i felt loved was not when someone asked me if i'm ok. but it was when someone cried with me. and that was when i was 16. now that i think about it, perhaps it was sympathy or empathy on her part, but what i felt was genuine love. to have someone to cry with, someone to go out and do great 'missions' with, someone to back you up, someone to advise not just the right things, but with relevance in knowing who and how i am. you know, i grew to know that telling a kid 'don't do that' is not enough. you have to know why you want to tell him that and know what really matters to him before you can convince a kid that 'ya, maybe i really shouldn't do that'. its the same for any adult. in fact, all the more for an adult. for example, my little nephew Ethan loves his daddy and mummy a lot. so instead of saying that he shouldn't jump on the sofa, i start telling him if he jumps down, slip and fall and hurt himself, or hit the table, his parents will be very upset and hurt too. then he listens and repeats what i say. haha. he's quite mature for his little age of 4.

the moment i chose a different type of love, i could easily differentiate love out of 'responsibility' and genuine love. its not that its not 'right', its just, not loving. saying for the sake of saying. just because it should be said. loving love, making others love your love, is not easy at times. because people are always torn between loving and correcting. and there needs to be a balance. between the mind and the heart. its just like driving a manual car. without a higher gear, you can't go any faster.

i learnt the most from observing kids and guiding them. but there was also a period where i disliked the responsibility to look after. maybe because its tiring, maybe because no one taught me, maybe because i never felt the same, maybe because i felt inferior, maybe because no one saw what i saw. and no one knew what matters to me the way i felt it.

you know, i never knew that i'll dislike anyone. i never did. ok, maybe other than my family back then. but now, if 1 day i ever dislike anyone or am prejudiced against someone, i'm not surprised. i never thought i'll be unforgiving. i always forgave before anything. which sometimes ain't always the best thing. then 1 day i realized, i don't have feelings. indifferent. i don't have my own opinions, i don't have my own ideas, i just.. floated. just.. move on. everything was put aside for the bigger picture. my life was no longer mine.

in my journey to find back who i am, i was still trying to figure out what i truly want, what i love, what i hate, what i'm good at, what i'm bad at. but all i find is...... nobody believing me. do i not mean it when i say 'i dont know'? do i like it when all i can say is 'i dont know'? is not knowing something worth blaming upon?

i remember being that way too, when i was really young. didn't know what to wear. couldn't be bothered to choose. reliant on my parents. on my sisters. just, not knowing. and every time i voiced out something, they'll just shut me up because they're discussing something more 'important'. some adults' things. and they're still the same now, to their kids. which is why i tend to listen more to my niece and nephews. although, i'm really strict with them too.

i don't know how to sell myself to employers. and that's true. because no one told me what i'm good at. and i really don't know what i'm good at too. but this day on, i'll learn. i'll work hard to find myself.

korkor 的名言：“管好自己再说！”

2011-06-13T01:36:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

曾经在你手上刻上我的名字
也为你写了一百个不可以
我知道我们都是好人而已

可是可是可是
说了多少句可是

又要哭又要笑不如切掉
受的罪受的伤你不知道
说过的话收不回却放不下

可是可是可是
说了多少句可是

2011-06-13T01:33:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i feel so sad after watching muhandujeon (infinity challenge)
=(

panic - the sea in my old drawer

2011-06-13T00:20:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

내 낡은 서랍속의 바다

내 바다 속에는 깊은 슬픔과 헛된 고민들 회오리치네
그 바다 위에선 불어닥치는 세상의 추위 맘을 얼게해
때론 홀로 울기도 지칠 때 두 눈 감고 짐짓 잠이 들면 나의 바다
그 고요한 곳에 무겁게 내려가 나를 바라보네
난 이리 어리석은가 한 치도 자라지 않았나
그 어린 날의 웃음을 잃어만 갔던가
초라한 나의 세상에 폐허로 남은 추억들도
나 버릴 수는 없었던 내 삶의 일분가
나 어릴 적 끝도 없이 가다 ,지쳐버려 무릎 꿇어버린 바다
옛날 너무나도 고운 모래 파다, 이젠 모래위에 깊은 상처 하나
행복하고 사랑했던 그대와 나, 생각만으로 웃음짓던 꿈도 많아
그런 모든 것들 저 큰 파도에 몸을 맡겨

어딘가 가더니 이젠 돌아오지 않아, 바다 앞에 내 자신이 너무 작아 흐르는 눈물 두손 주먹쥐고 닦아, 많은 꿈을 꾸었는데 이젠 차마 날 보기가 두려워서 그냥 참아 그때 내가 바라보던 것들 아마 볼 수 없겠지만 그래도 눈을 감아 나의 낡은 서랍속의 깊은 바다 이젠 두눈 감고 다시 한번 닫아

2011-06-09T23:55:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

today's interview was pretty interesting. personally, another experience worth noting down. actually, more like a chat. it lasted 2 hours :O which didn't really feel like 2 hours.

one thing Helen mentioned kept me pondering the whole ride home. she said, its ok to say the wrong things because if you don't know, you're blameless. 不知者无罪. then you just learn from your mistake loh. its better than to not say cos you're afraid that you may say the wrong things.

guess what I thought of? or rather, who I thought of? haha. CHUA MINGHAN. yes. and yeah, its true.

ok, i'm kinda lazy to list down all my thoughts on that. but, hmm, maybe i'll do it tml.. when I'm more..hmm..awake.

2011-06-06T22:57:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i shouldn't lie. i was happy to hear you talking about me. to see your smile was satisfying.

to know that you remember is what i'll treasure for life.

3 years. nope, not counting anymore.

2011-05-30T08:51:00.004+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

its back to Monday and I slept 12 full hours last night, 8 to 8.

a crazy weekend. from friday night where we watched kungfu panda, which was AWESOME. its a really funny show. kept laughing the whole time. laughed until we were so full that we skipped dinner.

then saturday i decided to try and cook the jap sushi tamago (rolled egg). just the egg, i was too lazy to make those troublesome sushi rice. and i... SUCCEEDED!!! the tamago was good, just that i wasn't really that satisfied with it. could be better. really. but was still good and pretty similar. its so easy to do, i can't believe it. my whole family tried it and my nephew and niece loved it. i love youtube. hahah.

at 2am, i came out of the house to meet up with eileen, edmund, guanzhen and daniel before we head down to sundown. sundown was pretty cool. the atmosphere was better than standchart. at least the finishing line was. so we cheered and all. cool. but seriously, seeing people my dad's age running is no joke. seeing couples running holding hands and passing the finishing line together was romantic in its own way. seeing aunties run was pretty insipiring. but i'm still glad i didn't run lol. i'll be the only girl around! so sad! run until 10am!ohohoh, WELL DONE to all those who finished the race! wow you guys are amazing!

at 8am, i rushed down for my driving lesson. thank goodness huan yan was around. shared the cost of the taxi, reached 10-15mins late. but, the instructor was nice. he taught me quite a lot of things, i think. and i only stalled my car once. wahahahhaha. *pats my shoulders* no la, come on, i studied before i went ma. but the instructor say, i'm a pretty good learner. hee. so i drove round and round around the industrial park at eunos. there's a part where i drove on the 'major' road, outside of the industrial park. phew. scaryyyyy.

after that, i ate $1.50 super cheap and pretty nice carrot cake breakfast. its super cheap, and no the uncle didn't give very little. its almost about $4 quantity nowadays. serious. there was quite a queue but he was fast. i couldn't finish lo.

then, i went rsaf open house with roxanne. my sister and her family, together with my mum went too. saw them but we went our separate ways inside. ok, not bad. the weather was hot, filled with truckloads of people but it was still pretty fun walking around.

went to tampines, ate our lunch at 4.30pm haha! then did manicure together.

man, i was so tired, deprived of sleep. and not forgetting all those standing and walking and more walking... i reached home, bathed, sleep. like a pig.

on a side note, i was so embarrassed! ahh, want to hide at one corner! omg.

2011-05-25T20:20:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

craving for some bubble tea.

i want to watch movieessss!

there's pirates of the carribean, kung fu panda 2 and x-men... awwww....!!

no one to date haha

2011-05-23T15:51:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Just came back from the hottest part of S'pore. and then I realized... I forgot to pick up the race pack for Sundown. How ah? =x actually, deep down inside, I don't intend to go anymore too hah.. wanchien pangseh~!!! =(

haii...

and my niece said her exam results were a DISASTER.

HAIIII....

I'm so tired. tired from planning ubin trip, to finding taipei's best accommodation, to taipei flights.

am abit disappointed at Chek Jawa. oh wells~

Taipei's accommodation is NOT settled yet.

the moment I knew that I didn't know my weaknesses, didn't know what to improve at, I knew that I'm no longer well.
and the moment I knew that you talked without looking at me, without being excited with me, I knew that you're no longer well.

I didn't need anything else, not wisdom, not knowledge, not leadership, not even understanding. I just needed comfort and support. like promised. and to forget something so important was just disappointing. nopes, no friendship. but obligations.

2011-05-21T02:01:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I woke up with a very weird dream today!!! ok, its yesterday, technically. its soooo weird. I dreamt of random people.. and thunderstorm.. and my house looked weird.. and..wenwei was my malaysian cousin in my dream. *whaatt?!?!* I don't even know him. hahaha.. so many...random people.. and random happenings....

woke up in a shock. but its so funny~!

2011-05-19T23:26:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

plan plan plan
find find find
interview interview interview
resume resume resume
pay pay pay

today I went to the hospital with my parents for my dad's consultation. he needs to go through endoscope again. its going to be the 3rd or 4th time. he has low blood count now. which is bad. complications. its not like the risk is high or anything. it just pains me to know that he has to go through so much. he has like 4 scars on his body. and they ain't small. and his eye. so tired to make sure he doesn't eat too much soy sauce, too much oily and fried food etc. and to keep my parents from quarreling.. which is almost a daily issue now.

tantrums.

The responsibility of the youngest. at least for my family.

I have my temper and emotions too. I can't keep you happy all the time and find the best way around your quarrels to please both sides. sigh~ The kind of things I have to face in my life, is it even normal? I just want a normal life. oh wells.

but Ethan cheered me up today. I asked him to act cute for me if he wants me to open the packet of blueberry pocky for him. haha! he was so cute. I gave him examples, like doing the flower pose and he did it with a cheeky face. then later I asked him to do that Xiah Junsu angel face too and he did it! =P 我是一个有私心的小阿姨！lol. he was soooo cute! I should video it down next time. hahahha... he should start learning to stop crying and start agyeo-ing to get what he wants. haha!

2011-05-14T16:46:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

-.- so sian to be single and still wanting to go overseas with your best friends who have their boyfriends and would bring their boyfriends along. so sad. :'(

2011-05-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

crap. i gave up everything for you idiot.

2011-05-10T22:07:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

omg today I met ken. every time I see him, I feel so embarrassed and want to hide in a corner. I didn't notice him till he walked past me. and I don't think he noticed me too. eeks! I walked super fast after that. aiyoh. I still can't believe what I did when I was 14. zomg.

anyway, loads of things to clear up. I've been pondering if I should take some time to meet each of them. or maybe all of them at the same time. just so that I can explain. I kept creating an event on fb then deleting it again and again. perhaps I need a proper planning? what exactly do I need to say, what exactly should I explain and what should be left out. how to bring across my points and all. and to state my stand.

2011-05-10T01:49:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

when you feel like you're redundant, and people start telling you that, "look, we don't need you. without you, things will still go on. if you want to come, you come. if you don't want to come, then so be it." will you still believe that you're treasured?

when you feel that the friendship is no longer as strong and he/she starts telling you that, "i should spend my time on others, cos its more worthwhile there." will you still want to commit into this relationship?

when you feel that someone badly wants to get in touch with you and yet when you finally replies, that someone doesn't reply you back... will you still believe that person wants to get your attention?

lonely is the word, at the end of the day. why? cos we all heck care.

oh love oh love,
where art thou.
oh love oh love,
how much is enough.

2011-05-07T18:25:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

should I be glad to see that? maybe I shouldn't. or maybe I should.

grow up grow up grow up.

michelle let go let go let go.

2011-05-07T01:34:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

"I have no idea why people are not ashamed to make our very own PM apologize. It makes me wonder if you're a Singaporean yourself. Its like making your parent apologize to you and then you end up going elsewhere and complain even more. Mistakes are mistakes. but respect is respect. due respect and respect due to. he definitely deserves more than this." - what I wrote on facebook

"Well, the recent is PM is not our parents. In democracy, PM should be subjected to highest scrutinition so that he will use his power properly and to benefit the people. If he does not do a good job, well, then let other people to do it. Ap...ology is not enough (depending on how serious is his offences, of course). Respect does not equal to ignorance. (This is not meant for PM of Singapore. This is a general statement)." - what Yee Kan replied

I'm not really in for a debate on facebook. and also because I can't write freely on what I would most likely want to say. but seriously, if I'm still a christian, and me knowing that you're a christian too, I will say, "maybe changing the analogy from a parent and child, to a church leader and church member. then you tell me about your thoughts again."

And misunderstanding, I'm not saying that PM shouldn't apologize. I'm just not pleased to see people demanding for an apology yet thereafter, still go on nagging and complaining, criticizing about his apology.

2011-05-07T01:13:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

The korean show "I'm a Singer" (translated to english) is back again! Just watched it. After one month of controversy, or more, the singers are back on the stage again. But of cos, not all of them are back. I <3 that show. Its one of those shows that you don't really just look at the stage alone, but more importantly, the audience. That's the beauty of it all. Singing, songs, impact people. And I like that emphasis in the show. And that's only one of the many good points about that show. Man, the singers are AWESOME.

There's this new singer, I forgot his name lol. His got a very special voice. Its a rocker voice. and its like, I don't know how to describe. perfect in imperfection? He definitely don't sound the sweetest, not the smoothest, not the perfect classical one like lee soo ra's but, wow. he sure brings you through a journey in the song. sounds like life, huh?

and its just weird how in an hour, this same theory of 'perfect in imperfection' can be repeated in various things happening.

hah, talk about life.

2011-05-05T16:58:00.006+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I just went for an interview just now at Tanjong Pagar. Its freaking near the MRT station. I like~ haha. So anyway, its for a producer job where the job scope encompasses too many things so I'm not gonna list them out. Hope I get it. If I don't, I guess its ok too.

Shahril is so nice. haha. I had fun chatting with him. The funny thing about the interview is when he asked "do you drink?" and "do you have a boyfriend?" lol whhaaaaattttt.... Ok, but seriously it was for legitimate reasons. cos of the irregular working hours and possibly entertaining clients as well. But its still so funny when I think back now! hahaha

man, people get scared of interviews right? I thought I will too. but this industry is filled with fun people. I'm starting to enjoy all the interviews cos I get to learn so many new things. either about myself or about this industry.

well, we all live only once, so let's enjoy it. michelle shall stop being angsty and whiny.

I must be crazy to go all out and pursue my passion. but whatever! I'd rather be impractical at times too. well, its not like I can't survive at all.

2011-05-04T19:16:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d
10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1

0.

let's move on.

2011-05-03T22:23:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Time passes really quickly. Its May again. Its the time of the year where you start thinking, oh dear, almost half the year's gone. what have I done so far?

3 years.

I'm so cruel. and petty. sometimes, all I think about is, why am I still hanging on to that monkey bar when I know that the longer I stay up here, the more it hurts. and my pride won't let go. i'm not the big sister who always gives in to you. but i'll still love you. because so, it hurts even more. when that day comes, which is very soon, I don't know what I'll do.

2011-04-29T01:04:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

It'll be nice to give priorities to Singaporeans first when it comes to jobs. But to have such a policy, it'll probably deter MNCs or any company from coming into Singapore. Its like a great restriction. troublesome. it's as if, all the HR dept needs to report to Govt about all their candidates. so... good thought, NSP. but I still don't see how far you've thought out for actual implementation to be feasible. isn't it? I mean, surely PAP wants that too but there must be a reason why they're not doing it. other than the, 'oh. it doesn't drive income for the govt.' man, that's some harsh accusations. at least the leftover goes into the reserve, i believe. i hope.

2011-04-29T00:22:00.005+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i wish i don't have to survive.
can't i just drown?

or... fly?

recently, so many people made me disappointed. again and again. i was willing, even in fear. but you gave me up. i feel like an idiot. i'm angry at myself for being upset over such a small thing. well, people forget. its normal. you should try forgetting too, michelle. but hell, i waited for the entire day. and end up being nice only to find out later that, well, it sucked terribly thinking back. go, just go man.

you didn't have to come back and try catching me. cos you just made it worse.

2011-04-26T14:29:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

A marketing company called me for interview?? to assist someone else in branding and marketing. low pay but well... I just hope its not mlm.

Anyways, I'm bringing my parents to Pulau Ubin right after election day. :) only $30 each from deals.com.sg for 2D1N stay at Celestial Resort. Well, I'm not keeping my hopes too high for Celestial Resort. Its at Pulau Ubin afterall. Since my parents either hasn't been there for a really long time or not at all, and my mum was so interested after watching the 9pm show, I thought I should just bring them there for a good walk and experience. My sisters may be rich and bring them overseas, but I do what I can with the little that I have :) More relaxing which I'm pretty excited. Because I know they love trees and flowers and nature. They are always excited to see those plants and tell me what they are, how they grow etc. whenever we're in Malaysia, at our cousins' houses. Like, do you know banana (the fruit) grows from the flowers?!! haha. so yep. they can go fishing, do fish spa. simple living. walk around and enjoy. mozzies pls shoo while we're there!

And not forgetting..... GE. My brother-in-law always talks about it to my parents whenever he comes on Saturday. Like a Politics Debate. hahahaha. Loads of thoughts on it. And well, we just can't avoid Nicole Seah and Tin Pei Ling when we talk about this year's GE. One thing for sure, Tin Pei Ling acts like a 24 year old (or younger) and Nicole Seah more like a 27 year old.

2011-04-24T22:26:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

It is not that easy to get rid of some habits. and then I realized, ahh.... so they have been habits. even without any heartfelt feelings for it, those that I once firmly said that they are true and not just a habit...

the half-done friendship band is still in my cupboard...

2011-04-21T23:40:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

2011-04-20T19:54:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I feel so accused, again.

hurt but won't cry. my father don't deserve my tears.
as if its my fault, and my fault alone.

i didn't come to live on this earth to help you fill up those irritating white cards.

and you freaking yelled at me just cos i made you waste say 10 mins?? and you didn't even ask! am i supposed to remind or teach you how to walk and breathe too?

go and love my elder sis. go and live with her if you like her so much. see what she says. I have never ever seen you speak this way to dajie and erjie before. you biased dad. you only do this to me, ever since they're married. what is wrong with you. maybe its cos i look uglier huh.

2011-04-19T00:07:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

papa bought goreng pisang in the late afternoon. i just took one to eat and... it tasted bad. :( it was still ok just now. oh wells. i miss bedok interchange's goreng pisang.

2011-04-18T23:12:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

原来, 我已经遗忘了很多曾经是那么宝贵的瞬间

2011-04-17T01:11:00.005+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

listening to Elva Xiao's 错的人 on my cousin's facebook.

there're always two factors to loving someone. the heart and the mind. sometimes they don't match, and it makes things really hard.

I'm an Aries, an extreme. makes it even harder. most of the time, i go all out according to my heart. it means a great deal to me. yet, I restrict myself a lot based on my mind, based on what is rationally the 'right' thing.

knowing what is right... yet i still jump right in.

actually, everything stemmed from one thing. i'm scared of standing in front of you. i'm scared of looking at you, sitting beside you, hearing your voice. so i chose to run away, far far away. any longer, and i don't know what else i'll do. maybe it hurts now. maybe 10 years down the road, i'll regret. but, right now, i just want to be a little selfish... i am only this much.

and the only one i told things to, don't understand me no more. don't trust me no more.

i'm really not angry.
not being fake.
but i am very disappointed.

2011-04-16T11:41:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

The bed is covered with thick blankets and pillows. You could hardly notice the girl sleeping underneath all those layers. It's 7am in the morning and the sun outside the window is only rising as slowly as possible, sparkling through the tall buildings of offices and apartments. It always seemed like the rays were reflected from window to window, glass to glass, as if from a faraway land, till it peeps into this pastel pink room.

Brrr. Brrrbrrrbrrrrrr. Brrr. Brrrbrrrbrrrrrr.

A phone in its pure white coat, with a little shimmer to it, vibrates. It lights up to a message from Vivian that says 'I'll be late.'

A slim and tanned hand reaches lazily from beneath the layers to the phone. The hand suddenly grabbed the phone as the whole bed shook in sudden at the same time. Pause. The very next moment, all the blankets and pillows were flying, and end up lying everywhere but the bed.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......!!!!" You can hear the echo in the bathroom.

And that's the standard procedure of every morning.

so boring. I'm stopping here.
random random.

what do you love?

2011-04-14T22:57:00.004+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

do you love the sun and the clouds, or the rain?
do you love the roses, or the daisies?
do you love the classical guitar, or the drums?
do you love the dreams, or the past?

sometimes, these questions don't matter. what matters is, what you decide to do in the end. and probably how you do it too.

forget the questions, they only make you more confused. just do what is right.

there's greater strength in believing in what you do.
like my sister always says, "it will come true, if you believe in it."

<3

to be honest, i'm writing all these without truly being able to practice this. with a teeny meeny doubt in it. but who knows, such words may become so much strength for me to go on in future.

2011-04-13T23:10:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I spent the first moment of my birthday with my two besties at timbre :)
spent the night over at weijin's. together with xiwen of cos.
then I spent the rest of the day at home alone. ok not the entire day alone. haha. but like.. until my parents came back home from work. that's in the evening. mum cooked mee sua for me. :)

supposed to go out for dinner with the rest but i was feeling a little blue. *avatar* haha ok that's lame. but yeah, i was a little blue. shermaine cancelled tuition too. so i felt a little... hmm... empty? not a very fulfilling birthday for the day itself. slept through the afternoon cos i reached home feeling a little dizzy. i was still fine before that. oh wells.

i didn't tell my parents that i went drinking. nor did i tell them that i stayed over at my friend's place BECAUSE i puked. haha. oooopppsss....

ok my thoughts are all jumbled up, randomly saying whatever coming to my mind. so i was feeling a little blue cos i woke up to a message this morning.. but i kinda made it end in a very awkward way. so on one hand, i feel bad about it. on the other hand, there's nothing much i can do. so i let it be.

i kept thinking... it could be a very different birthday today. haha. let me live in my dreams till 12midnight k.

2011-04-10T23:02:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i hate this love song oh i hate this love song
i hate this love song oh i hate this love song...

big bang's keeps ringing in my head..

2011-04-10T00:06:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i'm pretty depressed.
my sister is very sensitive towards what others say to her, yet she is very insensitive in the way she talks.

2011-04-08T12:10:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I hope Super Studio won't pangseh me again. 4 weeks of work.

a weak heart, blown. terribly.

2011-04-06T23:35:00.004+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

what is this? tell me, what is this?
you made me furious then disappointed, made me cry. and now, what is this?

my heart was never strong, y'know.

i was happy the whole day, even under the hot hot sun. you didn't have to make it end this badly.

2011-04-05T22:23:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I just taught my elder sister how to use Facebook. And yes, she has an account for about 3 years now but still haven't got to know how to use it. She's kinda... an IT idiot =P So all these while, she doesn't know how to comment so she has been reading all those comments and not know how to comment. haha. well done. I just gave her a tutorial on that. hehe. so cute la, my sister. and I finally showed my dad those japan photos. and I went NTUC with my parents. helped to carry all the 'goods' back. Well done, I feel pretty accomplished.

But...
today I taught tuition at Pasir Ris. It went.. pretty well I thought. but that tuition agency told the parent that I'm 28 years old! -.-" How the hell do I look like 28 years old. That's a number too far from my actual age right.. you want to lie also don't exaggerate la.. So when I got home, the agency called to tell me that they're stopping the tuition. like.. whaaatt. I totally believe that it wasn't because I taught horribly. It was first and foremost cos the agency LIED. cos that student was good. she understood! roar. I don't like this agency just like how the student didn't like this agency. I was pretty pissed, seriously.

Ok, enough of the bad stuffs. Tomorrow I'm going to pick up another cheque so I can drop my 2 cheques in! YAYYYY! rich! after being poor for 4 months. around 2K. woohoo. And so I officially splurged another $200+ on clothes and other accessories, after the mani+pedi outburst. $200 is alot. but $217.50 for 18 items, is cheap, right?? =D I'll get bags, belt, dresses, clothes, bangles etc etc. All I need now is shorts. Seriously, my shorts are all....... too big now. I have no idea why. I'm pretty sure I didn't slim down. Maybe too old already. I need shorts. seriously. So I paid for my clothes today and I'm hoping to pick them up tomorrow as well since the warehouse is at tampines. And I'll be a really happy girl. really.

ohohoh one more thing. so sad. the superdog at whitesands is now GONE~!!! I just found out today. so saddd.

2011-04-03T23:05:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

i just checked out Emoxis on google. kinda interesting. having an interview with them on tuesday. actually, more like meeting up. they called me on friday to ask if i want to join them as a producer, full-time. but because i'm still waiting for NP's reply, i couldn't really give them an answer. i'm surprised that they continued asking if i want to join them freelance, even if its just until 19 April. well, i do hope everything will go well... and that the people are nice and all. actually, if i don't get into NP, i really don't mind going straight into producing immediately. that is, if the pay is reasonable. like, i'm satisfied with a low starting pay if they are willing to so-called 'groom' me and teach me lotsa stuffs. the guy who called me asked if i've done editing before... so yeah. i just hope the pay is not like $800 like what Sally was offered. afterall, firms doing commercials should be earning alot right! hahaha! oh and that Charlene from SuperStudio...disappointed in her. but oh well, maybe she'll call me soon to ask if i want to work next next weekend for the photoshoot.

anyway, ngee ann poly is supposedly going to reply me tomorrow, either by mail or a phonecall. please let it be a phonecall so that its quick!

oh and my second sis bought me... yuan yang. like the 3rd pair of yuan yang in my room omg. not forgetting an amulet they got back from Japan, hanging on my doorknob that prays for the same thing... so, i'm supposed to open the box with the yuan yang only at tomorrow morning between 9 to 11am. its supposed to bring my boyfriend to me lol. oh wells. and she said there's something else inside, like a black stone kinda thing, supposedly to bring good interpersonal relationships with people around me and for work too. in a way, i guess no harm since these are some things that i probably really need. =\ my mum is so kan chiong spider that she couldn't stop reminding me before she goes to sleep, that i have to wake up at 9am tomorrow.

oh wells oh wells... tomorrow will be a good day. *crosses fingers*

2011-04-03T09:36:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

heads are turning,
hearts are churning.
if your passion is burning,
that's a great thing.

when people starts looking back,
and people start asking where,
there they are found hopeless.
no hope
no faith
no trust

no, you can't control a thing.
nor can you control another's
feelings.

all you need is to know,
that someone loves you.
and hell yeah, you're right.

2011-03-31T23:21:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/ucSrG4hz4EI/

omg ultimate show! i love the first song!!! it feels like a combination of classical and pop song.. i started tearing just by hearing the intro... cos she's so into it.. great great songs really. baek ji young is good as usual haha... i'm so excited to watch the next episode!!!

and i'm still waiting for Faceoff!

2011-03-30T14:58:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

and now i'm hungry cos i ate lunch at 10.30am.

anyway, i want to introduce to everyone about this app called Pulse. man, i love it! i read news on the go, especially the japan news. i get to read comic strips, look at amusing photos, top photos from flicker, top youtube videos, facebook uploads, headlines from channel news asia, bbc, the wall street journal, technology stuffs, cinema, songs, indie bands, health, food. everything! now they have it in pages. you can just arrange your 5 pages in your very own way. easy to use, easy to read. love it! you can just refresh them anytime of the day to get the newest uploaded stuffs/news. i think its brilliant. its like many apps in 1 app. and i really like the interface. it really makes reading news interesting like how it says. =)

and today, i just downloaded another app called Spenca lite. i kinda forgot who was the one who first used it and introduced... was it guofeng? or zachary..? eh? should be nus people. can't remember. i think this is the app he's talking about. so anyway, i downloaded it and browsed around. gonna make it a habit to keep track of my expenses! think its pretty cool to have different account sheets. and you can transfer from one to another.. like say you can have one account sheet on your bank account, another on your cash (whatever's in your wallet), then you can transfer money from one account sheet to another when you say for example, draw money from your bank account. and they have a whole list of categories for you to categorise your expenses. even travelling is just a sub heading. you can list it under travelling - flight or travelling - accomodation for example. its cool. i like how they are so detailed. you can make extra notes on top of that too, for each and every transaction. then they'll also give you a graph kinda thing to let you know just how many percent of your money is spent on what segment. awesome, isn't it? i'm pretty sure my 2nd sis will like this too. =)

ok that's the end of my introduction to awesome and useful apps. other than games, really. many more awesome apps in my phone!

2011-03-30T11:05:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

my dad does funny things at times. especially when it comes to meals. i just had my lunch. yes, not brunch, not breakfast, lunch. and i finished one whole packet of nasi lemak thanks to my dad who called at 10am to ask if i'm having lunch at home. i didn't realized that he was going to buy nasi lemak at that point of time. he reached home 15 mins later. at 10.15am I'm like 'what? lunch at 10.15am?!' and since my dad was already eating, i thought, ok, i should join him. so i finished my lunch. amazingingly. its only 11am now!

2011-03-29T22:48:00.004+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Just received an email from Sundown. haii. what have I been doing the last 3 months? I wanted to start training 3 months ago! shrugs. ok no more procrastination. but no not today, its pretty late now. tomorrow early morning is the day to start! *crosses fingers* marathon. faints. seriously, why did i sign up for this! ahhh~

this year's birthday will be very different.

the other day, my elder sis suddenly asked me, 'how many days to your birthday?'
haha. yes, i used to always countdown to my birthday almost 2 months before the actual day. every year. i'm very aware of how many days down to that date. i even have a schedule for all the different 'bookings' hahaha. but i didn't this year. i told my sis, nobody wants to count after 21 years old! oh no. i'm getting really old! i'm not really looking forward to this year's birthday actually. but i got a message from roxanne just now, and it brought a smile to my face. =) happy! its the thought that really counts, for me.

bbq at sis' place on the saturday before my birthday. hope it'll be nice and fun. hah. sounds more like a family gathering, kinda.

2011-03-28T15:57:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

Don't you think sometimes people are just too realistic with some things.

2011-03-28T15:33:00.000+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

TADAHH~

new blogskin!

all over again~!!

=D

2011-03-27T23:02:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I guess I wrote too much nonsense on my blog. I should stop that. and I feel like changing the blogskin soon... soon.

2011-03-27T18:51:00.001+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

good day out with xiwen and roxanne today =) finally! after so long. haha. i want to go beach toooooo... =(

2011-03-26T23:53:00.002+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

1. I'm really disappointed in the way he responded.

2. My nephew kicked me! because of Wii. WTH. I'm so gonna disconnect the Wii and hide it! HUMPH. NO MORE WII!!!!!!!!!!!! ANGRY. STERN. ANGRY. he's sooooooooooooooooooooooooo violent nowadays.

3. my dad told me that the mahjong table still open. and then he walked away. WHATT???!!! open then close and keep it la!

ROAR. can I say I hate guys?
some simple facts about guys:
1. they obviously don't know the underlying meaning and are much less meticulous.
2. they are definitely more violent and hot-tempered... and weirdly, over the smallest of things.
3. they like to tell u the case and then not solve it.

seriously, arghhhhhh!!!!!!!!

2011-03-25T15:16:00.005+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

anyone who knows me know that I'm a very indecisive person. and worse still, I really dislike indecisive people too. hahaha. I really can't stand it when we can't come to a conclusion. so I grew to learn to make decisions. Usually I just follow along, which I still do in many ways. But when I make a decision, I realized that they are usually based on the principles I stick to. and when I mean I stick to the principles, its really 90% of the time. some principles may even seem silly to others... like, a well known one is jay-walking. my family and friends should know it.

principles have become a major part of my life. and I'm grateful for it, yet regretful at the same time. sometimes I wish I compromised a little. or at least considered a little longer, even if the results were to be the same... then some things wouldn't have hurt that badly for those people.

but you know what? I really appreciate friends who don't just persuade me in doing what they think is right but rather, standing in my point of view and telling me what I will think is right to do. or those that help me remind myself of my principles when I'm doubting or wavering.

and that is also one reason why I will disagree with someone saying that "what needs to be said must still be said". that's just.... in my opinion, not much wisdom with the knowledge you're given.

ok i sound rather serious. actually I'm just ranting haha

2011-03-24T14:31:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEILU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-03-22T14:07:00.005+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

a guy and girl sitting near me are having shepherding.. sounds like from hope. sounds like. the way she teaches. i think the guy is a new believer. hah. looks like adults/poly but teaches like the youth group. its been a long time since I've last seen this scene. quite interesting huh.

2011-03-21T02:04:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

go

away

!!!

(angry face)

;(

another bad day due to a phone call by someone who claims to know me but the actual fact is, I don't even remember seeing her in tpjc! and she just kept calling me every week. I don't need her financial advice when she doesn't even have a good EQ. honestly. and she called me while i was sleeping. even with 1 word answers and an irritated voice from me, she just kept yakking away about whatever questions she wants to ask. just get to the point. I haven't even decide to trust you to manage my money or trust you enough to seek your advice. and at least ask if i'm busy, especially after that tone that I gave her. argh. i couldn't help it. I just told her off. and to stop calling me once and for all. BUT SHE STILL ASKED MORE QUESTIONS!!! -.- omg.

then nevermind. its also a bad day cos of a stupid sms. and that urrrggggggggghhhhhhh. THAT PERSON. didn't deserve my reply. like how many times do I have to........ hai. forget it. FORGET IT. I give up. I'm going to not even try anymore. cos I really can't live with that person. and I can live very well without that person too. omg. I feel so disgusted with the fake concern at times. If not for ......., I wouldn't be friends with that person. violated my principle. and taught me wrong things. humph. everytime I think of the past, I feel so... EWWWWW! just stop sms-ing me with random stuffs and try to get my reply. in the end, you also never reply what. why? cos you're busy mah.
THEN DON'T SMS ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! ROARSSSS.

=(
I hate you now. I really do.

2011-03-17T22:17:00.003+08:00

b.l.e.s.s.e.d

I know you're busy. I know you're troubled and tired. But take some time to talk to me, even when I don't approach you. can?

Xiwen, you're probably going to read this so I'm writing here. The real real main reason why I broke up with him was because I don't want to end up having Roxanne wish me happiness if I ever get married to him. I know I can't stand that sight. Its just like how I stayed away from Frederick and all. It may sound illogical. But every single time I see him, I think about Roxanne. silly as it sounds, I hope you understand. Its been years afterall... anyways, I enjoyed the past few days when we met up. =) Its great to spend time with you after so long! so take care.. and find me anytime. I'll be there for you. lend you a listening ear and all. nah, I'll lend you both my ears cos I'm nice lol! =P <3